Below the Surface...

For my followers that look forward to my posts full of pictures and sarcastic yet bubbly comments, you'll be sorely disappointed in this post. As promised before, I'm looking to post more meaningful material when I get the chance. Today I have that chance. And maybe, just maybe through me peeling off my mask a little bit you'll be able to see below MY surface.

A mixture of ingredients have led me to the often shelled person that I am today. Those of you close to me may not think I have a thing in the world to hide with all the positive and upbeat charisma I love to spread. And you're right-I'm generally an open and happy person. But everyone has layers of their soul that they keep under the lid- and to a certain right I might add. No one needs to reveal COMPLETELY who they are. But I'm in a spot right now in my life where my path has forced me into some serious soul searching...some intense & often heart breaking revelations about myself that prompt me to be more honest about what I am, who I am, what I feel and what I want...with more than just myself.

I let very few people all the way in. And sometimes it takes an experience that rocks your soul and everything that you are to realize who those people should be. In the end I've learned that maybe being more open and honest about myself and sharing more of the important things about myself with more people will actually leave me feeling LESS vulnerable and abused in the end. Everything I've gone through in my life has been an obstacle on a course I believe my Heavenly Father has wanted for me and has only given me because He can see how it will actually make me a better person in the end. If HE wants me to go through it then I should want and allow myself to go through it. Regardless of any pain I might feel in the process. I try to remind myself that the pain I'm feeling may seem like it's going to stop my heart at times and keep me from breathing...but it's nothing compared to the pain My Savior had to go through for me. And even though it doesn't take away our pain nor our emotions through our struggles...its enough insight to make us feel guilty for being so self consumed and help us redirect focus in our lives to a place more deserving.

When we're in pain there are days you just tell yourself: "I want to be miserable. I want to lay here and cry. I don't want to DO anything. I don't want to try. I don't want to be better. I just want to feel this right now. I'm hurting, and I'm okay with that."

As rotten and negative and WASTEFUL as that sounds it's brutal reality. It's life. And whether or not it's right or wrong to feel this way I don't know...I'm not an expert. I'm just being honest. And I'm not perfect. I may be horrible at dealing with problems, pain...struggles. And I can accept that. It may take my lifetime to conquer that weakness.

Switching gears now...I'm a person that requires more "space" and "alone time" than I like to admit or even allow myself. I have a lot of new goals and desires for this year that I have yet to post and share. But one thing I have truly pondered and had a void for in my life is to simplify. To find more reflection time...peaceful time. Time to disconnect from the world and reconnect with something bigger. I'm not just talking my religion. I'm actually talking about fly fishing. Yep, I said it. Random? Not really.

I've had a silent and unfed love for the outdoors and the river and fishing in particular. I've sat and tried to come up with a list of things that I've done in my life that have just FELT good to me. That have felt like I'm feeding my soul. This is one of them. I don't want this post to go on forever so I'll try to conclude with a voiced goal to learn to fly fish this year. Or atleast see the river more. I need it. Badly. I wanted to share some of my favorite pictures of fly fishing as well as some quotes from one of my favorite movies "A River Runs Through It"...as well as some other inspiring messages about this subject.

"More than half the intense enjoyment of fly-fishing is derived from the beautiful surroundings, the satisfaction felt from being in the open air, the new lease of life secured thereby, and the many, many pleasant recollections of all one has seen, heard and done."

~by Charles F. Orvis, 1886~

"Long ago rain fell on mud
and became rock.

  
                   
Half a billion years ago.

  
                   
But even before that,
beneath the rocks...

  
                   
are the words of God.

  
 Listen."

I feel as if I’m missing out on the beauty of the breeze on my face, the rain on my back, and the solitude and serenity one can find when listening to the stories of the waters. They whisper things deeper than words while they pass by a place I’m deeply grounded in. Much like I am in the real world. I want to lend myself to something bigger than myself. Something I can learn deeper truths from and find honest meaning in the beautiful power of the outdoors as they welcome in this stranger. I truly yearn to be haunted by something as deep, overwhelming and long- lasting as these waters.

-Me

"Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after."

~ Henry David Thoreau~

"A River Runs Through It" is a movie that sticks to my soul and reconnects me to the beauty of the earth. We are so fortunate to have the
mountains, rivers and big sky air to just close our eyes and get lost in at the whim of a quick drive.
I am so guilty of not taking advantage of this. I am so wrapped up in things going on in my life that I’m
missing out on some of the more important and stable things in my life. I’m learning there
are things you can count on and things that will forever come and go in your life. It's crucial to learn to identify those things and only attach your heart to things that are everlasting. Anything less is a waste of the pieces of you.