It's 11pm. The husband is at work. The triplets are bathed, fed and sleeping snug. Kayson is talking to me through the baby monitor like it's a walkie talkie. I'm listening to "Half Life" by Imogen Heap. I'm typing with a Red Vine hanging out of my mouth and feeling guilty every time I reach for another. But as usual I'm doing nothing to stop it.
I look around and my place is surprisingly tidy. A home where every corner is filled with our life. Our hobbies, our handprints, our smells, our memories...things that make this OUR life. Yet instead of feeling "at home", I'm feeling more like I'm renting my life. Yes, I'm in a "funk". A pivotal moment in my life in which I feel cornered with a million things to say and less than a dozen words that even come to mind.
I use to write. And I was good at it. In my favorite movie "The Notebook", Allie is passionate when she's young...painting was one of her passions and part of who she was. She loses sight of that and when she's older she has a moment when she realizes she lost a bit of herself because she stopped painting. She wants to paint again to find that girl. That's me...but with writing. I have children now...that has probably opened up endless meadows of possibilities in my writing that I haven't even given a chance yet. I've been through some heartache over the years and that is usually what kept me from writing...I would only write when I was desperately in love, or had my heart broken. I wanted to get away from that and it resulted in me giving up. And then I just got scared.
So I'm writing tonight.
I do this. I go through things like this every few years. And if I were being truly honest I would say it were more than that. I feel like I'm at another crossroad where too much has added up, too much has changed and led me here. It's your typical pallet of major change, a loss of responsibilities as well as gain, role changes, expectations raised, a change in environment and social interraction, failure, fear and of course...some pretty deep heartache. And I mean deep. The kind of heartache you wonder how you'll ever recover from without completely changing who you are. I've been hurt good.
I'm in a place where I feel like we're heading down a new road in life. No, no that sounds too cliche. It's more a new chapter in my story. Yes I said MY story. Because regardless of whether families are in this together or not, and whether or not I consider my family an extension of me and who I truly am...there is a me. There is. There are phases of my life that have come and gone and there will be different "Me's" at different points in my life & I have to give credit to that person and take care of her so I don't lose myself.
Mumbling...I know. But what I'm getting at is that at every point in my life up to now, I have been able to look back one year and say "wow, if someone would've told me this is where I would be today I would never believe it." It just keeps happening to me. I use to get so wrapped up in a relationship/life I was living at a time that I believed THAT was my forever and I would hesitate to let go...always failing to see myself down the road doing anything different. I went from so many extremes to another. One year partying & in self destructive relationships-the next year with a different person and living somewhere new-the next year pregnant and alone-the next year holding my baby and crying from disappointment in my decisions-the next in an amazing relationship with a righteous and loving father for my son-then came married in the temple-then came triplets. I mean really. When I went from single mom too ashamed to walk into church to married in the temple mom and living happily ever after...I would've thought THAT was where my extreme changes ended. I can only hope at this point that ending up with triplets is where the shock and awe ends. I've decided that Heavenly Father isn't really throwing obstacles at me... he just has a great sense of humor with me. I think he's enjoyed "playing" with my life because he knows where I'll end up and how enjoyable it is for me when I get to look back and say "why didn't you tell me this is how it would turn out?"
But, after all of this, I would like to have a moment to just sail. Do NOT get this confused with complaining. But I need to find myself again. I have played so many roles, experimented and perfected so many "me's". I feel like the last 13 years has been nothing but adjustment period after adjustment period. For once I'd like to just know what my life is and sail through with the occasional hiccups and changes...but having a solid foundation to anchor me. A confident heart. I need to invest more faith in my family...more faith in my husband and most importantly more faith in myself and who I REALLY am and who I want to be. I believe I have all the strings in my life attached to me now...I just need to work on perfecting my roles. Perfecting motherhood and raising triplets. Perfecting the wife I am and letting my husband truly experience my romantic side that anyone in my past may have experienced...because after all...he's the one I ended up with...he's the one I chose. And I want him to know me.
Someone taught me a little something earlier tonight. You'll never guess who. My little Saydee. It could've been any of the babies really. But it was with her that I had a moment of clarity. So I credit this to her.
I look around and my place is surprisingly tidy. A home where every corner is filled with our life. Our hobbies, our handprints, our smells, our memories...things that make this OUR life. Yet instead of feeling "at home", I'm feeling more like I'm renting my life. Yes, I'm in a "funk". A pivotal moment in my life in which I feel cornered with a million things to say and less than a dozen words that even come to mind.
I use to write. And I was good at it. In my favorite movie "The Notebook", Allie is passionate when she's young...painting was one of her passions and part of who she was. She loses sight of that and when she's older she has a moment when she realizes she lost a bit of herself because she stopped painting. She wants to paint again to find that girl. That's me...but with writing. I have children now...that has probably opened up endless meadows of possibilities in my writing that I haven't even given a chance yet. I've been through some heartache over the years and that is usually what kept me from writing...I would only write when I was desperately in love, or had my heart broken. I wanted to get away from that and it resulted in me giving up. And then I just got scared.
So I'm writing tonight.
I do this. I go through things like this every few years. And if I were being truly honest I would say it were more than that. I feel like I'm at another crossroad where too much has added up, too much has changed and led me here. It's your typical pallet of major change, a loss of responsibilities as well as gain, role changes, expectations raised, a change in environment and social interraction, failure, fear and of course...some pretty deep heartache. And I mean deep. The kind of heartache you wonder how you'll ever recover from without completely changing who you are. I've been hurt good.
I'm in a place where I feel like we're heading down a new road in life. No, no that sounds too cliche. It's more a new chapter in my story. Yes I said MY story. Because regardless of whether families are in this together or not, and whether or not I consider my family an extension of me and who I truly am...there is a me. There is. There are phases of my life that have come and gone and there will be different "Me's" at different points in my life & I have to give credit to that person and take care of her so I don't lose myself.
Mumbling...I know. But what I'm getting at is that at every point in my life up to now, I have been able to look back one year and say "wow, if someone would've told me this is where I would be today I would never believe it." It just keeps happening to me. I use to get so wrapped up in a relationship/life I was living at a time that I believed THAT was my forever and I would hesitate to let go...always failing to see myself down the road doing anything different. I went from so many extremes to another. One year partying & in self destructive relationships-the next year with a different person and living somewhere new-the next year pregnant and alone-the next year holding my baby and crying from disappointment in my decisions-the next in an amazing relationship with a righteous and loving father for my son-then came married in the temple-then came triplets. I mean really. When I went from single mom too ashamed to walk into church to married in the temple mom and living happily ever after...I would've thought THAT was where my extreme changes ended. I can only hope at this point that ending up with triplets is where the shock and awe ends. I've decided that Heavenly Father isn't really throwing obstacles at me... he just has a great sense of humor with me. I think he's enjoyed "playing" with my life because he knows where I'll end up and how enjoyable it is for me when I get to look back and say "why didn't you tell me this is how it would turn out?"
But, after all of this, I would like to have a moment to just sail. Do NOT get this confused with complaining. But I need to find myself again. I have played so many roles, experimented and perfected so many "me's". I feel like the last 13 years has been nothing but adjustment period after adjustment period. For once I'd like to just know what my life is and sail through with the occasional hiccups and changes...but having a solid foundation to anchor me. A confident heart. I need to invest more faith in my family...more faith in my husband and most importantly more faith in myself and who I REALLY am and who I want to be. I believe I have all the strings in my life attached to me now...I just need to work on perfecting my roles. Perfecting motherhood and raising triplets. Perfecting the wife I am and letting my husband truly experience my romantic side that anyone in my past may have experienced...because after all...he's the one I ended up with...he's the one I chose. And I want him to know me.
Someone taught me a little something earlier tonight. You'll never guess who. My little Saydee. It could've been any of the babies really. But it was with her that I had a moment of clarity. So I credit this to her.
Surprisingly, you can learn a lot about life from a 9 week old baby girl. They know exactly what they want and they'll cry until they're purple in the face for it in pain. They know exactly what they DON'T want and they'll cry until they're purple in the face to get rid of it as well. Why don't we fight that hard?
It's that simple. I need to fight that hard for the things I want...and just as hard to shy away from things I don't want. Like onions on my hamburger. :)
Now that I've started this post, and filled it up with some pretty decent meat in the middle, I have no idea how to end. Ironic, that's the story of my life lately. How to end. How to move on. How to start new.
12 years of working full time has turned into full time mommy scrambling to juggle motherhood and decide which hobby/talent to help re-invent me.
My yearly productivity evaluations are now going to be judged by the values and morals reflected in my children and the love one feels as they walk into our home.
Worldly female "competition" will now be more of a self improvement contest that will require more discipline than I feel I'm even capable of. It's a lot of work to get up and get ready for the day when you don't "have to".
My goals have changed completely. How does that happen? I really am on a completely different spectrum with that now. (But making it to Italy is one that will never leave that list...I'm still me!)
And last, moving on after heartache is a tricky one. Hiding pain, pretending it doesn't exist, filling a void you never thought you'd be asked to fill. Finding ways to invest my heart in something new has never been my problem. Easy Peasy. But filling voids is something I'm not good at. When I lose a piece of my heart it's like it's gone forever and so far in life I've never figured out how to get that back. A little bit of me will always be gone. I choke when I try to swallow this one.
So here I am. Trying to re-invent myself. Not a new me. But finding a way to pick apart pieces of who I've been all along and put together the best ones. Using those to my advantage to tackle what I have ahead. I have fire inside of me. I have gumption. There are a dozen Jess's I love. When I fight, I fight hard...as if my life depended on a single thing. When I give, I give what I don't even have. When I believe in something, it inevitably becomes real to even everyone around me. And when I love...I really really love. I love so hard it changes people...including myself. When I love with all of me, dreams are born.
These are the things about me that I love. One solid thing I can count on...that has never taken a back seat...is my desire. I've always desired to be something or another and whatever that was at the time I became obsessed with it. If I can just nail it on the head where I'm going from here...what I want to accomplish...what I want to let go of...what I want to be and invest in...I know I will get there. I'm going to run with that. Finding me. Finding the best me for everything in my life. And for once in my life BELIEVING in that. I've never believed in myself. Never. Shocking I know. But it's the truth. And it's about time I started trying. So here's to believing that all the Jess's I've gotten to know over the years have a chance to emerge as the person I'm meant to be to grab hold of the rest of my life.
So expect to see more posts like this in the future...as I force myself to grow.
Thanks for the help Saydee Jaye...
4 comments:
Best blog post I've read for a long time. Go you and may every day in your new quest give you happiness, laughter, adventure, and love!
I love you! You are am amazingly strong woman & I look forward to seeing you grow along this journey. You can do it! God knows all the different parts of you & you'll find a way to piece them all together. All the best my dear friend!
(And we REALLY, REALLY need to get together & have a long chat.) :)
Very inspiring. It makes me think of my life and the improvements I need to make. You are amazing, and I know because of who you are you'll do great and you'll accomplish these goals :)
Jess. You are amazing. And, that fact that you openly discuss your trials as well as your amazing moments makes you all the greater. Life is a tricky thing to go through. At least you can admit it :) You're wonderful!!!
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