When Life Gives You More Than You Can Stand...

...Kneel.

 

I have finally figured out why the other triplet moms I know rarely blog. I remember being so thrilled when I made all these new friends that had a lot in common with me. Triplet moms. People that I could relate to, look up to, turn to for advice, vent with, cry with and laugh with. You can only imagine how much I anticipated reading their blogs and keeping up with their all too familiar daily happenings.

That's where that story ended.

After months of checking up on their blogs only to find that there was only an entry every few months. AN entry. As in one, I became disappointed.

After all this time I have figured it all out. I find myself in their shoes. With a lot of littles to tend to, teach, care for, feed, change, bathe, a house to CONSTANTLY clean up after, a lot of cherishing and loving to take in...and LITTLE time to do it. It's no wonder I feel inadequate as a blogger and journaler the last few months.

 

But my time and efforts have just been focused elsewhere. And as much as I'd like to boast that I have chosen to spend more time with my kids than I do on the computer, it's more that in general I am overwhelmed. There, I said it. Overwhelmed doesn't even begin to describe the feelings I have. I've really been struggling with feelings of self worth, belonging, inadequacy, motivation, happiness. I know that's a lot to put out there. I feel like I've spent the last few months being so incredibly overwhelmed with the things I'm NOT getting done that I can't even appreciate the little things that I DO get done.

So I decided that someone has got to pull me out of this melancholy spiral and put things back into perspective so that maybe I'll find inspiration to get my life back where I want it.

Disappointments 

I don't work out consistently anymore

I'm not waking up early enough to spend the productive time I want to with Kayson before school (too tired)

I'm not keeping every room in the house clean...ever

My dishes get done twice a week

I am only getting to cook a REAL meal 2 or 3 nights a week (tops)

I don't get to the deep cleaning anymore.  There is dust in high places and my tubs are never pearly white

I still have bags of clothes that don't fit the kids that need to be organized and boxed

 I vacuum once a month

I mop once a month

I never get to do all the kids crafts and activities with the littles that I always plan. It's just too much work

I rarely get out of the house with the kids because it's too much work (and money)

I don't have consistent time for family scripture study that I deeply desire

Family night is not consistent anymore

We rarely get a chance for date night. Not even once a month anymore. It's just too hard to find sitters

And last but highest on my list:

Our laundry is NEVER caught up. Ever. Despite all my organizational efforts, there is STILL laundry strung all over my house. True story. This picture is so true that I don't even find it funny.

 

Accomplishments

Most days my teeth are brushed before noon

Most days I get fully dressed and do my hair

I feed the kids 3 times a day

I clean up 3 faces, 6 hands, 3 feeding chairs...3 times a day

I sweep and/or wipe the kitchen floor meal mess and pick up thrown dishes & sippy cups 3 times a day

I change about 15 diapers a day and about half of the time I get those outside to the trash can 4 or 5 times a day.

I clean up the front room 3 times a day

I clean up toys in the living room 4 times a day

I search frantically for 3 binkies about 5 times a day

I break up fights about 15 times a day

If I'm going somewhere, I get myself ready, the girls diapers changed, get their clothes on, socks on, shoes on, coats on, headbands/bows on, bag packed and binkies found hopefully in under an hour (and pray that after all that, no one poops in the car so I don't have to go back in)

I get someone out of the toilet every day

I pick up thrown pantry items at least 5 times a day

I pick up tupperware and random kitchen drawer items at least 5 times a day

I pick up/reorganize DVDs 3 or 4 times a day (they still find a way to get to them)

Most days they only get into the bathroom drawers once. Per child.

I check the mail once a day

I make time to sit and talk with Kayson after school...even if he isn't interested

I have dinner planned and ready at least 3 times a week...even if I don't do the dishes for another day or two.

I get so exhausted that I get to watch at least one tv show per day. That's a good time.

I GET to snuggle EACH of my babies at least 10 times per day...so basically 30 times a day I'm holding or carrying someone. Which is the best part.

 

So do I have a hot meal on the table every night at 6pm sharp? Do I finish every DIY project that I set forth to complete? Do I have 30 minutes every day where I sit down and do an organized activity with the kids? Do I look hot and saucy for my husband every day? Is my house even CLOSE to as clean as probably all of my neighbors put together? No. No, no and no again. But my kids are alive and they have their mom. Here with them. Every day. To answer to their cries and needs. To clean up after them and keep them from getting hurt (even when some days keeping them alive seems impossible). And it's an incredible job. Beyond rewarding. And maybe as I sit here with tears running down my cheek, trying to convince myself that it's ok to not be the mom that I desperately want to be...that does all the right stuff, all the fun stuff like I use to, and takes pictures of every special moment...I hope that one day I'll believe it. That I can get over feeling inadequate because I'm not who I want to be.

I can truly relate with the woman in this picture. Only my husband would say it's a "Rockstar" in my hand instead of a mug! Guilty. At least in this picture the mom is left alone...give her three 19 month olds and she wouldn't see her own feet for days.

 

I don't usually believe that I'm doing the best that I can. I always know that I can do better. But maybe my idea of "best" isn't fair. I want to feel like I'm being the best mom I can be but most days I'm left with the feeling that I'm just getting by every day doing all the things that a mom HAS to do and it's all I'm able. I start a new day with great ambitions and plans and To-Do lists, and at the end of the day I look back and wonder what happened. My days have become one big "trying to get through the day" task. And what I see at the end of the day isn't what I want. I'm praying for help to see my days as an accomplishment to be proud of. I know that my Heavenly Father blessed us with triplets and Kayson so that I can learn and grow. So that I can find a way to be the best version of me. Right now I'm struggling to find that person and find worth in what I'm doing.

 

I am so grateful that I don't have to feel alone when I'm discouraged. I know that when life gives you more than you can stand that you can kneel and ask for the guidance and strength you need. Right now I'm truly looking for that guidance and inspiration to better my days. To improve my schedules. To fill our lives with things that are wholesome and will mean something. I know that to have those things in MY family, it means certain things have to be sacrificed. Like a clean home. These things will take time for me to come to terms with but with the Lord's help I know I will get there. I will figure out exactly who I'm suppose to be right now and what kind of mother they need me to be. My version of the kind of mother I'm suppose to be and their version are different and they don't tell you that in the manual. Our Heavenly Father always has our greatest potential in mind when he gives us challenges. I'm lucky to have a wonderful and supportive husband. Even though he's so busy with his jobs and schooling right now, I know that he has a soft spot in his heart for what I do in the home even if my accomplishments aren't always obvious. 

And I'm incredibly lucky to have such a forgiving little sweetheart boy. I am not the mother that I would've wished for him. He deserves more time, more attention. More one on one time but because of our circumstances, he doesn't get enough of it. It breaks my heart but he doesn't complain. I am so grateful that he knows how much we love him and I hope that one day he'll know that we gave it our best in this crazy ordeal. He is so precious to me. To his dad. I just pray that his youth won't slip away from us too fast while we're raising the triplets.

 

"You never know how strong you are,  until being strong is the only choice you have."

 

I'm going to end this post with that and with saying that I can't change my circumstances. And I wouldn't want to because I wouldn't trade my life or family for the world. But learning to change MYSELF for my circumstances is something I am still working on. Every day. I don't have much choice but to try and be strong. And when it doesn't go my way...stronger. I can testify that the tender mercies in all of this are the beautiful smiles, giggles and soft cold little fingers I get to feel in my hands every day. The chubby cheeks I get to smother and the unconditional love that radiates from my children when I am feeling that I'm at my worst.

My tender mercies...