"God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect. Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not."
...I want to do something I don't traditionally do on my blog. Tell it like it is. Let's be honest, we all blog the good...not the ugly. And it's not necessarily that we want everyone to think our lives are perfect, but sometimes I just want the good memories reflected in our blog book and I often journal the times I want to treasure. But I think I need to show some courage and let the ugly out a little today.A lot of people have expressed that they think I'm "supermom" and are inspired by my ability to handle the challenge of infant triplets as well as a 5 yr old, yet still manage to keep our lives full of excitement, activities, party business, craftiness, treats and seem to reflect utter happiness in our home. Well it's hogwash. Life is hard. Keeping it all together is messy. And balancing my plate at times is just impossible. And one thing in particular has made me feel like a complete failure and I need to confess it.
Kayson
I knew that juggling the demands of 3 new children in our home would be a giant task but I always thought if I just made it a priority to give Kayson enough alone time that everything would be peachy. Well it's not...and I am so discouraged about it. He is a precious and sweet boy. He loves to help with his sisters. But he doesn't get out of the house much. He doesn't get to play a lot with friends. He's not in pre-school. We don't have a yard (yet) for him to play in. And more often than not, he ends up being my "gopher" and my sidekick. He will randomly lash out in anger, tantrums and as of late, violence toward his sisters.
I tried using essential oils to help his temper. I've tried praying with him more and I find time to sit down and teach him the gospel EVERY day. I try to get him to talk to me. To give him alone time to let him tell me how he feels and what I can do to help him or give him what he needs. And he just doesn't have any answers. It's at these moments, when you're desperate to help your children and don't know how, that you feel utterly helpless and like a failure.
So for now, I'm praying. I'm looking for ideas, advice, answers to finding a way to connect with my son so that I can fulfill his needs and calm his angers and frustrations. He is such an amazing child and when he wants to, the love he shows to others is heartwarming. I know that our little date nights make a difference to him because he is always asking to go on a date. It's not easy, but I need to make these happen on a weekly basis instead of monthly. Maybe through that and through faith and prayer, I'll be the mother he's trying to tell me he needs.
Our April date night
Kayson wanted to show off our new car. This is what we got to replace our totalled Saab. He loves it!
We ate at the Pizza Factory
Next, we rode the bumper cars at Fat Cats(no one to take a picture of us though)
Then we went to Petco to look at animals. Kayson loves doing this and it's free!
Last, we picked a movie to watch together and have a sleepover downstairs on our air mattress
(one of our favorite things to do!)
This other quote from Pres Uchtdorf's book Forget Me Not ( which I LOVE by the way) leaves me with peace.
"God wants to help us to eventually turn all of our weaknesses into strengths, but He knows that this is a long-term goal. He wants us to become perfect, and if we stay on the path of discipleship, one day we will. It's okay that you're not quite there yet. Keep working on it, but STOP PUNISHING YOURSELF."
5 comments:
I know the feeling all too well. Cayden had such a hard adjustment when Jaxson was born and that's just 1 baby not 3. The thing that I've done is nap time play time. While Jaxson is napping I play with Cayden. Even if it's just a board game, coloring, simple things. Sure the house probably needs to be cleaned during that time but as long as he's happy and doing good a messy floor isn't a big deal. I hope you are able to do what you feel you need to in order to help Kayson. You are a great mom. It takes courage to post that you are struggling! Hold your head up high!
I'm having a really hard time with Kenlee as well. Your last quote by pres Uchtdorf really hit home with me. Every night in my prayers, i feel like i have to repent about the mother i've been to Kenlee. You're such a strong woman, and Kayson loves you.
Jess,
You are doing an incredible job raising Kayson and the girls. I think you are feeling guilty of something you really should't be and you are being harder on yourself them you need to be. The date nights are fabulous. one on one time is important for every person. Kayson is 5 and growing. Changes happen this year and he is learning and adapting just like he rest of your family. You will be moving into a new home and more room.. New surroundings and new beginnings... Those changes with impact him too as all of life's big moment and changes do. But sweetie you are on the right path and doing everything right and that you can.. Continue to love, show love, spend time pray, teach and do all the thinge the Savior would have do fr and with Kayson, the girls and your DH too.. One day at time. He will be starting school, meeting new friends and growing as a young boy too.. He is a remarkable boy with great parents who love him and adore him...
<3
I love that you wrote this post. I have been posting A LOT lately about my frustration with my oldest child. He too gets mad and has outbursts and tantrums and at moments all I can do is cry. I know that he is trying to figure out all of his emotions and frustrations and he is looking to me for answers, but lets be honest, I do not have all the answers. If I am being even more honest, I am learning right along with him. I know that he too is feeling like he is in the house a lot with all of Bodee's naps, he doesn't get to play much with friends and I don't trust him just yet to play out back. Also it doesn't help that daddy is so busy that there are days that a whole 24 hours or more go's by without seeing daddy. I know that all of these changes are hard for him and I hope to be humbled and blessed with the knowledge of how to care for him personally and to let him know I love him. Thank you for sharing and reminding us all that we are human and that being a mother is one of THE best callings in life!
I'm like you. I don't like to blog the negative stuff. I don't want it to sound like I'm complaining or ungrateful so it keep most of the bad stuff to myself. But sometimes it's nice to vent and helpful to know that other people have their struggles with life as well. I wish we could just be better and not have to have the trial...especially when the trials have to do with our kids. I think it awesome the things you are doing with Kayson. I need to start a date night with Lincoln. I love that idea. I think Lincoln would have a lot more tantrums if he didn't play with a friend everyday or have a backyard to play in. We're lucky to have tons of neighbor kids his age to play with. I know he would act out a lot more if he had to hang out with me all day. I'm not much help but I have one fun thing you guys can do together. We have a paper airplane book that shows how to make paper airplanes. Lincoln is obsessed with it lately. I make him a new one everyday and he is entertained for an hour or 2. He especially likes when I make one for me so we can see who can throw theirs the farthest. He also loves doing puzzles together or playing with action figures together. Thanks for the hair compliment. I don't have my faux hawk hair anymore. I'm growing it out. It's going to take a long time to grow out all the layers so I'll have ugly in between hair for a bit. It makes me feel better that Kayson liked to line up toys as well. A few people have told me that's it's a common thing for boys especially. Kayson sounds like a great kid. He used to have Mommy to himself and now he has to share with 3 little sisters. That's a huge adjustment. Kayson is lucky to have such a great mommy. It sounds like you are really trying to make time for him. I will pray for you guys. I loved the quotes by the way.
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