To start off, I promise my negative pregnancy posts will have an end. But folks, it's only gotten worse. And like I said, I don't want to whine and I don't want sympathy. After all, I got myself in this situation and I'm very glad to (for the result). I just want to remember all of it. But yes, the last 5 weeks have just progressively gotten worse. I don't feel twice as sick..I feel 10 times as sick as my last "sick" pregnancy. I throw up 5 - 10 times a day, I'm not making it to work every day, and when I do I'm late. I can hardly eat anything, let alone keep it down. And I keep losing weight. I'm not gonna lie, it's discouraging. Every day. And I pray every day that it'll get better. That I'll stop being so miserable and finally get to enjoy these babies. I feel SO guilty as a mother for constantly cursing my pregnancy when deep down I'm grateful. Just REALLY struggling right now. It's so hard to be excited and happy when you're miserable and hurting and aching ALL the time. And I don't just feel guilty about my lack of excitement, I feel guilty that I'm useless to my husband & feel like I'm missing out on Kayson. That hurts.
But in the midst of it all, as I'm sitting here completely down, I'm awakened. I am SO lucky. And I'm going to give you 3 reasons why.
#1. Erik- He has been amazing. It took some getting use to at first for him but he's really come around. He's saved me. He shops for me, cleans for me (when he has time), he cooks for us even if it means getting me something separate, he takes care of Kayson, he gets himself and Kayson to church, he covers me in our joint calling at church, he buys me random food at the store even though he doesn't want to waste money knowing I'll puke it up or hate it the next day, he lets me lay on the couch every day when I'm sick, he does the laundry...he's amazing. He gets nothing in return from me right now. Sometimes I don't even feel well enough to talk to him. I look awful all the time and lay around in pajamas like I have the plague. I'm worthless to him and I feel rotten for it. Because of the complications I've had with this pregnancy he can't even get any "lovin" from me. I feel rotten. I am just so grateful that he's understanding and that I am not doing this alone this time. I'm so lucky to have him and I hope he knows one day he'll get his wife back.
#2. Kayson- A 3 year old should never have to see his mom as sick as he's had to. I've tried to hide it from him but it's not easy. I've worried about scaring him but this little one has been my sweet little angel. He can often tell when I'm going to be sick and he'll say "hurry mom run to the bathroom!". And just today when we walked in the door I had to dash to the bathroom. He hates when I shut the door because he's always on the other side saying "mom let me in...I need to see if you're ok." Today I didn't have time to worry about the door and he sat there rubbing my back as I was gasping for air. When I was done throwing up I just leaned my head against the wall and he came up behind me, wrapped his arms around me and said "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you're sick." MELT!!!! This little kid has had to put up with me laying in the bed for long hours and taking care of himself playing in his room or watching movies. Today he even attempted to make his own cereal. Of course I feel guilty but I'm also just overwhelmingly proud of him and thankful for his soft heart. He's always taken care of his mommy and I love him to pieces more each day.
#3. The Culprits (aka The Twins)-Yeah you heard me. I am even grateful for these little reasons I'm so ill. They've made me so sick that I barely know who I am anymore. I suck at being a wife, I suck at being a mom and I suck at being a friend right now. But none of it matters. In the end, I wouldn't trade these babies for a week of feeling alive again. They may have changed me for the worst for the time being, but they've changed me for life. They're here to let me know they're mine and that they're now my job too. They're going to put smiles on our faces for the next 60 years and if I have to put up with this for the next 7 months then that's a fair trade. Sometimes I just sit and think about the joy and fun the 2 of them are going to bring us and it makes it better. I picture them sitting there making each other giggle or doing the "secret twin talk"..I picture watching them grow up together and the closeness and pact they're going to have that no one else will be able to compete with. We're so much luckier getting to have TWO...and I guess being extra sick means extra blessings for the rest of my life. And for that I'm nothing but grateful.
Last, here are the bebes
Haha just kidding...but isn't that the cutest pic? :)
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