Ya know that moment when you buy something for your new baby that you can actually picture their bodies in and it becomes "real" for the first time? With Kayson that moment was when I put his car seat in my car and it totally hit me.
I had that moment last night. We got our Triplette stroller in the mail (totally amazing!), Erik put it together. And when I got home it was sitting there in our living room like a stretch limo of panic and it didn't come equipped with a barf bag or dose of Xanax. And it should.
I wouldn't consider myself ungrateful or an unfit parent...but this post may not be my proudest shining moment of motherhood. I know some would kill to be in my spot. But I'm going to say what I'm feeling and not worry about judgment being passed for once. I don't know how to talk about this in person...so I'm escaping through my trusty blog.
Sure, I know we're having 3 babies. There are dozens of daily mental and physical reminders. I've seen the pictures, watched legs kick, heard heartbeats...and yet nothing was quite as real as looking at that stroller and picturing that 3 little bodies were going to be sitting there. Each with their own face, each with their own personality, each with their own place in our family, each belonging to US. I LOVE babies. I LOVE being a mom. I'm living my dream. But everything during pregnancy is so fogged because they aren't here yet and something about that just isn't quite real to me yet. I didn't say anything to my husband at the time because I didn't want to scare him. But after he left I just had a moment. I panicked. I thought about things, pictured our future, tried to picture 3 separate children...and then I cried. I know what you're thinking. How could I do such a thing instead of just being so elated, grateful and feeling blessed, right? Trust me I thought the same. But I'm only human. And something about a groupload...a literal BUNDLE of joy, is scaring me to pieces right now.
Here are some of the things that flashed in my head...
-Clipping 30 nails & 30 toenails (ttl=60) on squirmy infants
-Rushing in the middle of the night downstairs to make THREE bottles while THREE babies scream upstairs waiting (with Kayson I could pull him into my bed and nurse him til we fell back asleep, I didn't realize that was such a luxury til now)
-Trying to juggle 3 babies alone out of the car that are too big for infant carriers but too small to walk, into someone's house or an event I can't take a stroller to...or a store where I need to load up on groceries but don't have enough arms for both a cart & stroller. (AHHH!!!!)
-3 hours of church meetings with at LEAST 2 infants in lap...Hahahahahahahahaha...
.....see now the panic is turning into psychotic laughing.
There are so many more things that have been freaking me out lately. I'm sparing you the long list. I just don't see how there's a way I can come out of this without having to depend on people. It's discouraging thinking I might not be able to grocery shop without a babysitter or husband. It's discouraging thinking I'm not going to be able to do the things "normal" moms are able to juggle with their children. I still want to be able to go about normal life and make things work. I don't want to be this huge pain in everyone's side or a pain in the community every time someone notices I can't do something alone and has to rush to my aide to help. I know these babies will bring a blessing to our lives and a warmth in our heart that none of these petty things could take place of. Up until now our biggest concerns have been that the babies will continue to be healthy and arrive safely with no complications. I'm SO worried about them...
But for now, I'm having a moment. And I'm just praying that I have the next 4 months to calm down and work on my Faith. Faith in the Lord that He knows we can do this and that this was His plan for us, Faith in my friends and family that they will stick around and not think of us as a burden, and most of all...Faith in myself.
10 comments:
Don't feel guilty. I would be worried if you WEREN'T having a "moment." BUT Kim and I will totally be here for you whenever you need! Never worry about calling us if you need anything at all. We AT LEAST can help you with that whole church thing right :)
Oh sweet girl...your thoughts are normal. I had them with just one...I can't imagine (well, now I sort of can :)) what it would feel like with three. It may sound cliche but there is no one better to handle this than you. In fact, there is an absolute reason that you were chosen for these three little amazing babies to come to earth. They chose you with all the love and justifiable fears you have. You are an amazing woman and you will pass with flying colors. The coolest thing will be when you look back and read this years from now and can turn each one of those bullets and look at it as the utmost blessing. Hang in there sweetie...so excited for you!
In love and light,
Erin
Being a "normal" mom is overrated! ;) Our little Reagan changed our whole world, not in the same way yours is changing... but we have some of the same challenages, just for different reasons! I have thought to myself a lot of times in a lot of different situations "Am I really the right mom for this?". But if having her has taught me anything... it's that He doesn't make mistakes! You are going to be the PERFECT mom for those babies. I think you'll be surprised what you can do! ...And that having help doesn't mean you can't/aren't doing it! I often times find that people would rather HELP me, than BE me! LOL! Whatever, if sympathy gets my groceries in the car than so be it! haha. I can't imagine how you must be feeling... but YES, believe in yourself! You sweet girl! Faith and Hope go a LONG way! :)
Oh my goodness, i so believe that if you weren't' thinking those things, you'd be nuts! Your faith will keep you afloat, and you'll have so many friends and family to flood you with help and encouragement. I love ya!
Don't feel guilty...your thoughts & feelings are totally normal! I STILL, to this day, look around and think, is this really MY life? But Jennie is right...HE knows what he is doing & you will be the perfect mama for those sweet babes. It's hard but it's an amazing & humbling learning experience each day and although things might not be what you dreamed of as "normal", you will eventually be able to adjust to a new normal. Let people help, that is what we are here for. And it gives you more precious time for YOU CAN DO THIS!
Everyone deserves their moment, and you deserve yours times three. ;)
You're right that you won't be able to do "normal" things, but you will define your own new version of normal that will work for your family.
P.S.- I am happy to help juggle some babies... I ache to hold a newborn. :)
I like this post- it's real life. Of coarse you're scared, who wouldn't be?!?!
Jess, if you didn't have a "moment" then I would worry about you. I'm sure you will do just fine and after they get here you won't be able to imagine your life without them and then you will have your own version of normal.
I would totally be willing to help you out with them or Kayson any time.
I admire you! You deserve to be scared. Also, I am more than happy to help in any way I can.
:)
It would be completely crazy to NOT be freaking out a little. Of course you're nervous about all those things, we get nervous with one baby! But you know how people get this wierd strength they didn't know they had when someone dear passes away or some other trial comes..that is how this BLESSING will be, you will gain this super mommmy strength you didn't know you had and it will all be alright! and believe me, people are going to WANT to help you, don't EVER think that you will be a burden! I can't wait to read your updates on the three beans. you look absolutely amazing by the way!
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