I don't know why, but I'm having the same post partum issues with the girls as I did when I had Kayson. I don't know if I'm the only one who gets depressed and bothered easily over this issue, but it haunts me. I don't get depressed over my body or lifestyle changes or sleep deprivation or money or the chaos of a newborn...no, I get depressed because I want them to stay this way forever. I sit and look at their little mini faces and I don't want anything to change. I want to be in this moment forever. Be able to savor it and relive it forever. Photos and videos aren't the same. I have such a hard time letting it get to me.
Knowing they are just going to keep getting bigger and bigger until I can't snuggle them in my arms or watch their coos and complete innocent loving need for me just breaks my heart. I obsess over staring at their little faces and movements. I know there are so many more amazing adventurous we get to go through with our children. But it's EXTREMELY hard for me this time around knowing that I may never get to go through this again. I got to have 4 children, but I only get 2 experiences and opportunities to enjoy it. I realize this is selfish of me because so many women out there struggle with infertility and I'm sympathetic to that, but I can't help how I feel. I'm just being honest. We always looked forward to knowing that when our babies grew up and we started to miss that and crave a baby, that we'd be ready for our next one. We don't get to do that. This might be the last time I get to stare down at a teeny angelic newborn baby in my arms and the worst part is it only lasts for a few short weeks and months. And I'm wasting 2 months of it with them in the NICU!!!
I never thought I wanted more than 3 children...now I have 4...and there's a spot in my heart that tells me I may need a 5th one day. Wow, can't believe I actually just said that. Maybe I'll get over that "need" for a baby again.
I just wish there were a way I could stop time right now or at least put it away in my pocket so that I can come back to this moment anytime I want and enjoy them just as they are. So yes, Post Partum really blows.
4 comments:
I have never struggled with that post partum thought, but I have yet to think that the baby I am holding will be my last. I think many moms feel the same way when they think or know they are "done".
Hang in there and enjoy EVERY second as best you can!
P.S.- I wrote that too... not Todd.
I can totally relate & I think the fact that you are being honest about how you feel is a good thing. I know how it feels to want to stop time...especially with multiples because it really is harder, time goes faster and you are pulled in so many different directions. The good thing is I think it makes you appreciate what time you do have a little bit more. It's definitely not the same as with a singleton, but you do strive harder to cherish those little moments all that much more. Just know, you aren't alone. I could talk about this very thing for hours so if you ever want a listening ear give me a call. Love ya girl! Hang in there!
Well all I guess that I have to say is at least they are extra tiny so they will stay smaller for you for a while longer :) I hope it passes quickly, I've never struggled with the postpartum depression, but I can imagine how hard it is especially with them being in the NICU.
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