2013 came whether I'm a fan or not. Sometimes I truly enjoy the fresh beginning of a brand new year, other times I'm stuck here in what seems like Timeline Purgatory. I'm definitely having a hard time moving forward this year. A lot of that, MOST of that, can be attributed to how much I am in love with my LITTLE children and how I'm starting to truly notice how fast the years go by.
Sometimes I get flashbacks to my early 20s and I'm shocked that I'm not that girl anymore. That some memories are so far behind me that it takes real digging to even pull them out and reminisce. It feels like I'm watching movies from someone else's life. I just don't want to feel that way about my children. I want to hold them in my arms forever and enjoy all these little days when they start doing something new. I miss their tiny-ness already and they're not even grown yet! Gloomy, I know.
The other thing holding me back is a tiny bit of fear. I really thought I'd had a handle on that part, just maybe not in ALL aspects of my life. We've been through both family and personal trials the last couple of years that have taught me to search high and low for new faith and strength. We have some uncertain times ahead of us in the next few years with Erik's schooling and even though I get ahead of myself, I don't do well when I don't have a perfect plan and certainty. It's out of my comfort zone and I believe that Heavenly Father is trying to shape me NOW so that I'm prepared adequately for it when the time comes.
I'm facing this year with true faith in my Heavenly Father. Remembering to lay everything down, not just what's convenient...and allow Him to do the rest. Spending more time helping others fix THEIR problems so that mine can naturally melt away. Remembering that my marriage and my family are my FIRST priority and that God never intended us to be too busy for daily prayer and scripture study. And I'm still working on letting go of things of the past so that I can work on my future. Everything that I have been through the last few years has made me stronger. Although I don't feel "strong" yet, this picture says it all.
Erik and I sat down and made a list of personal and joint goals for the year and one of my favorites that I have actually been able to stick to is picking at least one act of service EACH week. Whether it's making a dinner for someone in the ward, finding a way to thank people that have done something for us, paying for the person's meal behind us in the drive thru, making a free cake for someone not expecting it, or just taking a load off of someone else's back. So far, while keeping Christ in my heart, these things have already drawn me closer to Him and the best part is that my children are learning by this example. I really believe the best way to teach our children is by our example. Words mean little when our actions don't coincide.
Last, as hard and embarrassing as this is for me to admit, I think it's important that I do. So that maybe it will help me move forward by saying it (writing it) out loud. I've always been a very healthy person, but ever since the triplets were born I've been battling with something that I've been in denial over. Anxiety. I know it's so common. I know it's not a terrible thing and very easy to deal with probably. But I've done everything that I can to hide it when it happens. It took me over a year to even admit it to anyone that I was having anxiety attacks and I've spent months since then still trying to accept it and not hate myself for it. I don't believe that it's because of the triplets, I believe that growing 3 humans inside my body at one time whacked my hormones up...in a few ways actually. Go figure. But I LOVE my children and 9 days out of 10, I don't feel overwhelmed or like I can't handle it. I don't run off into a closet and cry 5 times a day. I don't ignore the kids or hide from them. I don't ask for "breaks" from them. I hardly ever escape to a girls night out (I should), I don't scream at the top of my lungs. I RARELY...pretty much NEVER vent about my days or duties as a mother. And this is because I BELIEVE that God entrusted me to live this life. He knew that I could do this. He knew that I could love it. He knew that I wouldn't fall apart. And maybe my Anxiety/Panic Attacks are only very slightly related to stress that builds up inside of me each day. But right now it's taking a lot for me to admit that I have real Anxiety problems, and it takes even more to not allow myself to feel like a bad mother for it because for so long I have. I refused to admit that I have anxiety because I didn't want to feel like I was incompetent. I didn't want to let myself and others down. I didn't want to be "that mom that gets anxiety attacks because she has triplets". It looks silly written down but it's very real in my mind. My goal is to learn how to handle my anxiety, and (most importantly) remind myself that I am still a great mom and that the Lord is here to help make up any and all of my shortcomings. I am one that believes anything is possible with the help of the Lord and I know that if I turn to Him, he'll get me through it.
Someone once said,
"Fight all your battles on your knees, and you win every time."
I'm counting on that. I hope to win every battle this year.
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